ANXIETY IN THE PLAYGROUND

Managing mental health while juggling this parenting gig is no mean feat but for the most part I've been able to get by by faking it till I made it and hoping for the best. But one thing that has been a constant and ongoing struggle for me is when my anxiety clashes head on with playground relationships.
I spoke about my anxiety on YouTube recently but this is bigger and longer than I can fit into a ten minute video.

Since Dylan started nursery last year my anxiety has been running wild twice a day five days a week. Standing in the playground with all the other parents sometimes feels like I'm standing in front of a jury silently pleading my case and praying that they take my side. And as I watched them interact and build friendships my anxiety worsened.
The thing about anxiety is that it's completely irrational.
I can look back on my time making the school run and clearly see that there is absolutely no reason for me not to have built the relationships the other parents have. The only thing that got in the way was my anxiety and the barrage of negative opinions about myself it throws at me in order to silence me.
I stayed silent because I'm scared of making a fool of myself, of making people thing I'm stupid, an unfit mother or just as awful as I feel about myself.
I stayed silent because sometimes I feel like the other parents already think I'm absolutely awful without me having said a word.
My anxiety caused my silence and my silence fuelled my anxiety because the longer I went without saying a word the harder it got. As I watched the other parents make small talk and arrange to see each other over the weekend my silence allowed my anxiety to formulate the idea that the reason I wasn't included was due to my faults and not due to the fact that I was keeping my mouth firmly shut.

The problem is, I worry that my anxiety doesn't just affect me. I worry that my anxiety induced silence has stopped Dylan being able to have more out of school play dates. He is the opposite of me, he is confident and popular but we don't see people outside of school. And I wonder, is that because of me? Is that the result of my anxiety? Or is it just how life is?
I can't answer questions like that but my anxiety is having a grand old time coming to its own conclusions.

I'm making progress though
Dylan's birthday party forced me into sudden terrifying interactions with other mums that turned out to be less terrifying and more relieving because wow it was fine. And now my school runs aren't silent, I actually talk to people.
It's still incredibly hard though.
I still constantly worry about what I'm saying and what they other parents think.
I still worry that the fact that I held back for so long has had a negative affect on Dylan's friendships somehow.
I still worry.
But now my fear doesn't silence me.

Juggling parenting and mental health problems is incredibly difficult and it's a learning experience.
My experience with Dylan has taught me so much that I've brought forward into my life with Isla at nursery and that's really all I can do.
It's all any of us can do.
Live, learn and bring our lessons forward so we don't stay stagnant, anxious and suffering when we have the tools to pick ourselves up and be the best parents we can be.
And the best versions of ourselves that we can.
Our children deserve that.
And so do we.