Normal is a funny word because it has so many negative connotations attached to it. In this case there's nothing wrong with normal and I'm not saying disabilities are abnormal. Normal is just how it is, how it's been, what I know and I haven't known any different.
Except of course I have.
Dylan was walking before his first birthday and when he walks he walks normally. His range of movement is as it should be with no catch or paralysis coming into play. When I look at photos of him walking his stride is always normal.
In comparison Isla has never walked normally. She has a full range of movement but can't use it when walking. Her stride isn't normal although you can catch a photo where it looks as if it is. She stomps. Because she can't swing. And there's nothing wrong with it at all, in fact the only time it seems to pose a problem to her is when she wants to wear a floor length princess gown and the hoop skirts get a bit in the way. Disaster.
A lot of the time I struggle to remember having a child who could run and jump and kick. And the fact that Dylan does now (of course because he always has) doesn't seem to change the fact that I can't really remember him being an able bodied toddler. Not that I look back and picture him with Isla's disability.
I suppose that's a good thing really because I suspect that if I could remember to compare I would be pretty sad. If I could compare the things that Dylan could do and how much he enjoyed them it would upset me a whole lot more that Isla can't and maybe never will. It's upsetting enough that she can't jump in puddles when she really wants to, it's worse now I'm thinking about a three year old Dylan doing it.
Maybe that's why I can't remember. A combination of self preservation and motherly protection over Isla. But then I feel guilty and resentful. Guilty because I'm struggling to remember Dylan as he was and as a mother I should do better than that. And resentful towards cerebral palsy because it shouldn't
be here in the first place let alone be interfering with my memories of my son. Hasn't it already barged in and done enough?
Now I've typed that out I think maybe angry is a better emotion. It's not just memories I'm struggling with but emotions too. So many of the all geared towards cerebral palsy. The aforementioned anger over its unwelcome presence, at its looming threat to interfere with Isla's dreams and happiness. Because life is hard enough without a (possible)wheelchair, and having to plan journeys in extra detail, and having to do extra extra work with schools and ballet teachers and whoever else. Life is hard enough without having to explain to people what's wrong and why and what it means especially if they're judgemental or difficult. The sadness when I see how much she loves ballet right now and knowing that it might get in the way of that or anything else she might love, or when I think of the fact that it's just not fair at all. I'm sad for her. The guilt, so much guilt. And now this new guilt because I've realised my memories of Dylan seem further away. But then I have guilt because I want it to go away, I don't want it to be a part of her future but if I take it away I take away part of her. And she's perfect as she is. Fear because I'm scared of getting it wrong with Dylan but Isla is different and she's going to need more and what if I'm not enough? What if I get it wrong with both of them because I can't get it right with Isla? There's frustration, heaviness, impatience, hope, despair, confusion........
Isla's disability has changed so much, it's changed me and it's changed how our family work and think and maybe how I remember things.
And this is probably the least of my problems, not being able to remember raising an able bodied toddler. But it feels like a big deal right now.
Everything feels a little raw and extreme right now because it's so new or at least the finality of it is new. And these little things are unexpected so when they happen I have no idea how to deal with them or if I even have to deal with them. Is my faulty memory a problem or am I making it a problem? Or is it possible that this is just a thing that happens with second children? It's not as if I've done this before to compare.
But like I said, it makes this easier, I've always sucked when it comes to comparing milestones and party tricks. And anyway it's not as if I've forgotten Dylan or any of the important things, nor the funny moments or the things he taught me or surprised me with. I still have my memories and about a million photos to go with them, I've just forgotten my old normal. I have a new normal now, we all do, it's just learning how to adjust to how I feel about it that takes a little work
No comments:
Post a Comment