Things with Dylan have been difficult lately. I've written about it in a loving, lighthearted way but in honesty there have been so many tears on both sides. We have all been struggling with his behaviour. And not just his behaviour, he suddenly had a huge regression when it came to wetting himself. It happened so many nights that I had to find extra bedding for him because I couldn't keep up with the washing demand along with everyone's clothes. It's been pretty miserable and we've been struggling to understand why.
He had parents evening at school recently and he got a shining review, doing well in school, progressing, polite, confident, well behaved and one of the most popular boys in the year group, "everyone loves Dylan, they all want to play with him". So it seemed school wasn't a problem, nor does it seem that he's having any difficulties when it comes to his learning that could be a source of frustration.
He is excited about his dance lessons, loves his friends there and the croissant and hot chocolate afterwards. He is doing so well and gaining so much confidence in swimming which he is so excited about and so so proud of himself. He's excited about moving into the next group up in football after his birthday and he wants to start some form of martial arts. He's stimulated and enjoys it immensely, not to mention has a blast with his friends there.
In general, terrible behaviour aside he is never in trouble, gets what he wants within reason and I've always been so incredibly careful of how I talk to him because I never want him to feel as though I'm looking down upon him or for him to fear me. And yet his behaviour recently has brought me to tears - normally while he is screaming, shouting up in his bedroom.
And I've searched high and low for reasons. Forums are full of parents discussing the four year old testosterone surge but then I dug a little deeper and there's no scientific evidence that it exists. I wrote here that Harrison and I thought that maybe we clash because we're so similar, I thought maybe Dylan was dealing with an anxiety that I didn't understand so needed control but control paid with a four year olds logic meant wild tantrums when he didn't get his own way. I thought that I was missing him being bullied or him being scared of an adult teacher of family member because he would fly off the handle whenever I tried to get him to leave the house.
And I've tried everything, talking calmly, giving him space, trying to reason with him, time out, cuddles, bribes, behaviour charts and shouting. They all resulted in his anger intensifying, his shouts getting louder and louder as he told me that he hated me, threats to hurt me and at one point himself and the occasions where he would hit and kick genuinely scared me because I couldn't calm him down. I couldn't make him happy and I couldn't understand what was going on. So I cried. And he cried. And screamed and threw things and stamped a lot.
But now I think I understand, and I'm heartbroken, guilty and angry all rolled into one.
I think he is struggling with Isla's diagnosis. I think he's confused because he doesn't understand what's going on or what is wrong with her or what on earth Diplegia Cerebral Palsy is. I think he feels alone because he doesn't understand but also because we've been taking her to more appointments than usual as well as her hydrotherapy. I think he feels left out because a lot of the time people are talking about Isla, I'm explaining her cerebral palsy diagnosis to everyone we see and then comes to conversation about what it means. People ask how she's doing and comment on her achievements because they're aware of her disability. I think he struggles with how much praise Isla gets in comparison to him. If she turns around well or walks sideways or even walks down the hill she is congratulated and praised because they're so difficult for her but he doesn't understand that and he doesn't get the same level of positive reinforcement because in a way there is less to give, he is more able. I'm scared he thinks we don't care about him anymore.
That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him so fiercely and I'm so proud of him every day, and I'm proud of him for how he has given his time with me so I can help Isla when she needs me. But I'm worried I haven't fully realised the impact that's had on him.
It breaks my heart to think that he may feel this way because he is so, so loved by so many people. And I cannot bare the thought of him not realising or feeling that.
I feel so guilty because I didn't realise the impact this would have on him. Nor have I taken the proper amount of time to talk to him about Isla's disability and what it means for all of us and most importantly for him. I haven't dedicated more time to him when I should because he needs and deserves it. It can be so difficult when it doesn't feel like there are enough hours in the day to get to everywhere we have to be and do all we need to do. But he is more important than that feeling and I haven't treated him that way.
I am angry because once again cerebral palsy is sticking it's nose in where it isn't welcome and the outcome is miserable and angry and scary. And I'll accept that it's probably because it's all so new and we're all finding out feel but how dare it do this. It makes me so angry.
But I can't let those emotions cause any more damage than the situation in itself has already caused. Dylan needs me and it's my job to figure out how and what I can do to help him.
And I truly believe it will only be little things, remembering to tell him I love him more, an extra half an hour with me after Isla goes to bed even if it means he goes to bed a little late, date days with just the two of us and more conversation. Starting with a proper on about cerebral palsy.
On Friday I'm picking him up from school and as long as the weather is nice (ie. I'll probably still freeze half to death but Dylan will be fine and it's not raining) well go to Greenwich park before we go to a posh restaurant (pizza express) for dinner. Just the two of us. I'm excited and sad at the same time because I hadn't realised how much I miss our Dylan and Mummy dates and it's been such s long time since we had one.
And I'm hopeful, I'm hopeful that although it's upsetting, I'm right. And that this will help.
When it comes down to it I am a mother. I love my children with such an intensity that it pulls me through the darkest times with my emotional and mental health, something that has never been possible before. I love them and I am so proud of both of them because truly they are beautiful, free spirits who are compassionate and have a spark of adventure in their hearts. I am a mother and although my children have beautiful souls children can be a bloody nightmare. We have hit many
bumps in the road and there will be many more. It's inevitable that we will all cry more tears over things I haven't even imagined yet. And it's my job to love them and support them through all of this. Even if it makes me scared or even if I cry. My guilt, anger or fear of the unknown cannot hold me back when it comes to giving them what they need.
Right now we are all struggling but I have hope and so much love in my heart again after feeling rather scared and hopeless.
He disagrees, but he will always be my baby (what a mum thing to say) and I think maybe we need to reconnect. Bond again like we did so much when he was new. I need to understand him and help him understand what's going on for all of us. And reassure him. Reassure him that it will be ok, that everyone has time for him.
Reassure him that he is loved.
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