Online I feel like my 'about me' always reads something like "I'm Holly, 24, mother of two, anorexic". In the real world however I swap the anorexia out for something light hearted. Baker? Colouring book addict? Lazy Facebook user? I love nachos? In the real world people don't care to hear about your mental health problems unless you're a contestant on the X Factor or Big Brother and it can be used and manipulated to pull in votes. And this is true for all mental health problems right across the board.
There is a general lack of understanding and a huge amount of stigma that comes with suffering from mental health issues and I can't profess to understand how others feel but for me, despite having numerous diagnosis' under my belt I find my anorexia to be the hardest to deal with socially.
It's not that it's ignored or belittled like so many other illnesses, it's more the fact that it is normalised to the extent that I struggle to know what's healthy and what's not. And if I struggle then I can only assume others do too. In fact I know they do.
I know because I see it, especially online, people professing health yet sinking further into highly ritualistic, disordered behaviours. People trying to recover but sort of falling sideways into another obsessive relationship with food. Just because you're not or no longer starving yourself doesn't mean you don't have an eating disorder. I see people spending weeks before the holiday period cutting their calories and upping their workouts in preparation for the binge that will follow. Then watch the decline into self hatred, poor body image and obsessive 'undoing the damage' that the binging caused. The diet industry is thriving. Gossip magazines almost always have at least one article about someone's weight or some new fad diet.
And I'm not even saying that it's wrong. Who am I to shout my opinions out and demand that I am absolutely right. The world isn't that black and white.
But it's not really healthy. And yet at the same time it's completely normal.
There are arguments about the size of shop mannequins and Barbie dolls.
We're told we're getting fatter as a nation and yet ready meals are still far cheaper than fresh ingredients. As a nation that has far too many people living below the poverty line is it surprising that our relationship with food is fucked up?
Every extreme, from binge eating to obsessive exercising is normalised and you'll find people having raging arguments with anyone who dares to question their lifestyle.
And it's problematic because while I truly believe that we should just let people be as long as they aren't hurting anyone, what if the person they're hurting is them self? And honestly I don't relish in the thought of bringing the children up in a society where eating disorders are rife but much of the time passed off as perfectly normal and acceptable behaviour.
But in reality I think one of the reasons that I see these things is because I've lived it. I'm living it right now. The obsessive, ritualistic attitude towards food, eating and exercise. The terrible body image and symptoms of poor health, vitamin deficiency or malnutrition that I can see because I'm aware of them. I have the past. I have the insight and knowledge. But I don't have it because I was taught. I have it because I've lived it. How do people who haven't lived this gain that same insight? Because I'm sure as hell no one talks about it.
Eating disorders, body image, healthy eating and general mental health aren't part of the national curriculum here in the UK. We learn about sexual health, drugs and alcohol but not our mental health as if the only dangers to our wellbeing are external. As if our brains don't have the capacity to harm us in any way.
The only eating disorder stories you see in the press are sensationalised beyond belief (and I should know). You hear about girls dropping dead, anorexics who evaded death by recovering from their death bed weighing just 4stone. Bulimics who spend thousands on food just to throw it all up. You don't hear relatable stories. You hear stories that reassure you "I won't get that bad." "I'm not where near as bad as that so I don't need to stop yet."
'Average' eating disorder sufferers who don't reach the absolute extremes aren't talked about but that is the reality of eating disorders. The endless days that merge into one hating yourself, your body and having to eat food. Hating not having control or feeling like you're utterly in control while your life spirals in the opposite direction. Losing school, losing friends, losing touch with reality because everything becomes your eating disorder and the time you devote to it (although you feel that you don't devote time to it, it's just who you are) and yet sometimes you don't lose any weight for weeks, months even. Sometimes you're not underweight at all, sometimes you're overweight. But the feelings remain the same, screaming in your head and ripping your self worth to shreds.
But no one talks about it, not really. I don't know if people know how to, if they have the tools to approach the situation.
The lack of awareness around eating disorders is startling given the statistics.
As of 2015 the charity b-eat estimated that more than 725,000 people in the UK were affected by an eating disorder.
According to the National Institute of Health around 11% of those people are male.
NHS research concluded that up to 6.4% of all adults displayed signs of an eating disorder.
The Health and Care Information Centre reported an 8% rise in inpatient admissions since October 2013.
It is estimated that 10% of those with eating disorders have anorexia nervosa, 40% suffer from bulimia nervosa and the rest fall into the category of EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) which includes binge eating disorder.
There have been reported cases of people developing eating disorders as young as 6 and as old as 70.
The average duration of of anorexia is 8 years and 5 years for bulimia according to Australian research.
Research suggests that 46% of anorexia patients will fully recover, 33% with partially recover and 20% will remain chronically ill. Similar research shows that in cases of bulimia 45% will make a full recovery.
Anorexia nervous has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder and 20% of suffered with die prematurely as a result of their illness.
I could go on. The statistics are there and they are shocking. And yet there is still an uphill battle to make people aware of them.
People needs to be taught how to recognise the signs of an eating disorder. Taught to understand that it's not normal to have terrible body image. It's not normal to over exercise, starve, binge, feel guilty after eating. It's not normal for food to cause anxiety or unhappiness. It's not normal for food to become a tool to deal with your emotions.
People need to be taught how to recognise within themselves that they are falling into a dangerous, deep and never ending hole. That their thoughts or behaviours are dangerous. They shouldn't be taught that if you just lose that extra half a stone everything will be alright. It won't. Losing weight can't solve your problems.
People need to be taught how to spot the danger signs in those they love.
People need to be taught that eating disorders aren't something to be ashamed of.
People need to be taught that a persons weight is a terrible indication of whether or not they are suffering.
People need to be given sensible, frank and useful information not terrifying, sensationalised stories that are somehow supposed to shock us into not starving ourselves.
NEDA week is important because awareness can change lives. It can wake someone up and give them the information and the tools to change the path they are going down before it's too late. I currently have people I care about deeply waiting for beds they desperately need in inpatient facilities because there aren't enough beds. And there are so many arguments about government spending (as there should be!) but does it not make sense that if we raised awareness, if we taught our children about eating disorders, if we taught our society about eating disorders we could prevent so much pain. Yes we need more beds but prevention is so much better than having to go through the trauma of both an eating disorder and recovery from one.
Awareness is important to me because I am raising two amazing children and I need them to understand that I am not healthy (right now). I would be appalled to think that I was raising them to look at me and see normality.
Awareness is important to me because it's really bloody hard having to fit into a society that minimises your suffering and normalises behaviours that are killing you. A society that judges you for eating high fat, high carb foods that are essential for recovery to the extent that so many people shun them in favour of a ketogenic/plant based/paleo/whatever else diet/lifestyle because surely that's ok? Because it's healthy...... Right?
Awareness is important to me because it is so much easier to drag yourself up the long hill of recovery when you aren't alone. I miss yoga, I miss food, I miss being able to enjoy myself with the people I love without time constantly being invaded by anxiety or guilt. I want that stuff back but it's so hard to do it when you feel so alone. So abnormal.
And it's strange because I've been going on about how society normalises eating disorders, so why would I feel abnormal? But it's that normalisation that isolates me even more. It's those few extra steps it takes from those behaviours, the tipping point that you barely even notice from ~completely okay and normal healthy behaviour~ into ok now I'm fucked. And the gap is so, so small. So small that people struggle to understand why or how eating disorders work and why recovery is so hard, but it's big enough to make me feel light years away from everyone else.
Awareness is important to me, but it should be important to everyone. But that only comes with awareness I guess.
Knowledge truly is power, for more information and support you can check out these links
NEDA
B-eat
SEED
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