ON BECOMING A MUM OF TWO

I'll admit I've been worried. How could I love anyone as much as Dylan? How could another child compare and how would they share the space in my heart?

The list of what if's grew as my pregnancy progressed.

When I struggled with Dylan it would cross my mind if I would face the same struggles with Isla. Of would she be calmer? Would she be easier in that sense? 

And I worried about balancing their needs equally while still treating Dylan the same. I'm worrying about that now, I doubt I'll ever reall stop.

I worried more than anything about Dylan's reaction to his sister. While I've been confident about his fascination with babies and his laid back attitude and openness to change, I worried that he wouldn't adjust to this change. Another person, competing for our attention, another person in his house, in his parents arms.

What if, despite being so sure of his openness Dylan reacted badly. Shunned his sister and didn't cope.

My what if's still exist of course. I still worry about my ability to parent two children with two sets of needs. 

Five days in and Isla needs closeness, skin to skin and feeding every two hours whereas Dylan wants to read, explore and build towers. 

Having Harrison here creates a balance for now but soon enough his paternity leave will be over. I need to find my own balance. 

What I'm not worried about is Dylan's love for his sister. 

His compassionate, caring nature is suddenly so evident, more so than it ever has been. He checks on her periodically throughout the day, kissing her cheeks and stroking her feet when she cries.

He calls her name when he hasn't seen her for a while and brings his toys over to show her. 

His absolute openness to her becoming a part of our family and his unquestionable love for her settles almost every worry I have. His love for her is so beautiful.

Watching him learn to be 'gentle gentle' when he nuzzles his nose into her head and hold her hand as he lays next to her fills my heart with so much light. 

We all have a way to go till we find a routine that works for us and a balance in our lives, but witnessing his love for her gives me so much hope.